It’s common knowledge by now that I am a self-proclaimed failure. After spending years hunting down scholarship, academic, and leadership opportunities, I have benefited from almost $100,000 in funding for my education and educational experiences. But, despite my rigorous job search of hundreds of applications, I still am empty handed and unimpressed with myself and the job market. Countless people have offered their words of encouragement, which is nice, but their lies can only comfort me for so long. The comment I hear most: “Oh, the economy is bad. It’s so difficult to find a job these days.” To which my response is BULL.SHIT. The reason I have applied for over a hundred jobs is because there were over a hundred job vacancies announced. So, SOMEBODY’s getting hired. It’s just not me. Therefore, I am a bitter bitch, but what’s new?
I do have to mention that my luck has begun to change or I have just been lucky a couple of times. I have managed to somehow get interviews for jobs in Guatemala, Turkey, and Iraq. I also interviewed for internships in Georgia (the country) and DC. This is all well and good, but what gets me in some of these interviews and in many of my applications is the fact that the people who work at these places are S-T-U-P-I-D. STUPID. Like really? How do they have a salary and health care while I live in an apartment with no heating, microwave, or functioning iron???
My first interview for a position in Guatemala went really well. I can’t complain about that. The interviewer was super sweet and reminded me of my friend Julia. She told me beforehand that part of our conversation would be in Spanish so I listened to some Reggaeton to refresh my skills. I didn’t get the job but I didn’t really want it because it was in the middle of nowhere and I would get paid practically nothing. If I wanted to do Peace Corps, I would have done that, thanks! Bye!
Interview number two was for a job in Ankara working for an American university that recruited Turkish students for its programs. The job would require giving presentations at high schools and distributing information about the program. Fantastic. Sounds cool. So, I’m interviewing on the phone with these two nice people and then all of a sudden, they say, “Now, we’re going to speak to you in Turkish for the next half of the interview.” Thanks for the warning, assholes. I somehow spit out like three sentences in Turkish and then we finished. The whole interview was about 5 minutes, meaning I didn’t get the job. But what did they expect? If you’re looking for a native Turkish speaker, don’t hire a white boy who says he can speak an intermediate level of Turkish. They never even sent me a rejection email. Shameful!
But, the most recent email correspondence I have been a part of is the worst. I applied for a job with a non-profit foundation in NYC that funds projects in a lot of different areas. Cool, I’m sure I would get an STD just by sitting on the subway there but at least it’s a job. So, this girl sends me this longass email asking me about my current position in Armenia and what my commitments are, etc, etc. I respond very politely saying when I will return to the US and that I can be in New York really easily because it’s only a bus ride away. Her response was, “Thanks for being so flexible but we need you to interview next week. Good luck.” Why couldn’t homgirl just say that in the first place? I can even write it for her:
Dear Mr. Jones,
We are interested in your application for this position at our organization. Will you be able to interview next week here at our office in New York City?
Nope, she had to write me a novel and waste both of our time. Can I have your position because you don’t deserve it
I also got a rejection email that said you didn’t get the job, “but we hope you’re not too upset.” What the fuck? I can’t even fathom a person thinking that to his/herself. “Yeah, I’m not too upset that I didn’t get that salaried position. I really wanted to keep my position here at Quizno’s. I love smelling like toasted bile at the end of the day.” Get your shit together, people.
Last but not least is my most recent experience. I applied for an internship with this really awesome organization in DC. They are based in Stockholm but just opened an office in Washington and were looking for interns. I actually almost got a position for them in Sweden but had already accepted this dumbass internship in Armenia and thought six months would be much cheaper here. So, I thought I had a pretty good chance at this internship. Although, I am fucking disgusted at the thought of taking another useless intern position, this organization is the shit and is exactly the type of place I want to work for in an ideal world, which (let’s be real) I am not living in at the moment. But I interviewed with this nice Swedish lady. Things were good. I told her that I’d probably start temping when I move back to the States and was pretty sure that lost the position for me. Which I understand completely. However, this is the rejection email I received. (I’m not going to say the organization because maybe one day they WILL hire me.)
“Thank you for applying for the Winter Research Internship Position at (blablabla). We wish to inform you that the search has concluded. Best of luck in your career search and we encourage you to continue viewing our web page for updated opportunities.”
Ok, so what? The search concluded. Did I get the job or not? I’m no dummy so of course, I knew I was rejected, but how stupid are you? How can you read that email and think “Oh yeah, this is a good rejection letter”? Isn’t rejection like a hospital saying someone’s dead? You have to say, “he/she is dead” not “I’m sorry” or “We tried.”
Give it to me straight, people. Someone was nice enough to give you a job so you should be polite and actually do it. Learn to hire people. Learn to communicate your message clearly. Don’t beat around the bush and share useless information with me. Sure, I have plenty of time to spare right now, but I’d rather spend it watching gay webisodes and picking out cats on the Humane Society’s website.
I’m a failed model/international peace mediator. I like telling stories, traveling, and guys. Besides becoming Oprah, my biggest life goal is to be able to do the splits. All the way.