Inspired by Jenny Kutner’s blog entry titled “The cover letter I would submit if honesty and self-deprecation were conducive to employment” and because I love to reminisce about how counterintuitive and miserable the post-graduation job search was, I decided to write my own honest cover letter. Of course, the real cover letter I use took me about 15 minutes to write and format, so I won’t be sharing that secret with anybody. But here is what I really want to send to employers:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I strongly hope that you have managed to open this Word document. If you cannot open it, kindly pull your head out of your ass, which is stuck in 2003, and download Microsoft Office 2010. Please note that this is a prewritten cover letter that I use for pretty much all of the jobs I apply for. All that I do is change the organization and position title. For the jobs that I really like, I put them on a list of “Immediate Jobs to Apply For!!!” and mentally formulate how awesome and personal my cover letter for those jobs will be. I then somehow manage to avoid ever completing this task and most of the postings expire before I can submit my application. So, I’m stuck applying for positions like this one. Are you even reading this? I doubt you are.
I strongly believe that I am qualified for this entry-level position that somehow pertains to international relations because I am alive and have at least two brain cells. When reading the listing for this job, I understood that “Office Manager” means “Everyone’s bitch that no one wants to hang out with after work” and that “Program/Administrative/any sort of Assistant or Associate” implies that I will be held accountable for my superior’s lack of competence. So, let’s stop beating around the bush. This position would insult the four years I spent getting two college degrees with an almost 4.0 GPA. It will include filing, using assorted office equipment that never functions, and browsing the internet for cat gifs. (Real talk: Sometimes when websites say NSFW, I still follow the link and that’s not going to change. Real Real Talk: I constantly search for symptoms of STDs on work computers too so if that’s a problem…I don’t care.)
If you look at my resume, which you won’t until you interview me (an unlikely event), I have many professional experiences that have given me the skills necessary for this organization. By that, I mean I had seven un-fucking-paid internships that gave me nothing but a jaded outlook on life and a depleted bank account. My strengths include foreign languages, organization, and intercultural dialogue. I am quite aware that none of these will be required on the job. America just forces everyone else to speak English, people with Master’s degrees can’t read an Excel spreadsheet, and foreigners aren’t people, but giving them money does help us sleep at night.
Thank you very much for your consideration for the position of [insert position] with [insert organization]. I admire the work of this organization and feel that I would be an excellent member of this team. If you find yourself desperate to find someone to fill this position because you’ve put off the hiring process for months and your entire HR department has a degree in uselessness, feel free to contact me to discuss this position further. I’m sure that I will be able to accommodate your call in my busy schedule of applying for America’s Next Top Model and doing the daily crossword.
I’m a failed model/international peace mediator. I like telling stories, traveling, and guys. Besides becoming Oprah, my biggest life goal is to be able to do the splits. All the way.