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Hating Gay Dating: Korea Edition

Hating Gay Dating: Korea Edition

Dating sucks. It sucks everywhere. Having a more active love life is something that I see as a to-do item that I just keep putting aside. Many moons have passed and I still haven’t gotten around to making any progress in the dating department. I’m pretty independent at this point, so it’s cool for now. But, I constantly romanticize that I’ll eventually find the right person and everything will just fall into place with my love life.

I’ve used dating websites and apps for a while now. I much prefer meeting people organically in real life situations like parties or through mutual friends. But, when I came to Korea, I didn’t have any friends. So, I decided to try online dating once again. My sister had recommended Tinder as a way to meet friends and that’s what I did at first. My first Tinder meeting turned out to be one of the best things I could have done. I met my great friend Nick through it. On top of Tinder, I downloaded Jack’d (pronounced “Jack Dee” here) because I heard it’s the most popular gay app in Korea. It’s basically Grindr. I’ve also kept my OKCupid profile current even though not many people use it here.

I was pretty insistent on my profiles that I only was looking for friends and dates, not hookups. I thought I could meet other expats living in Korea or even Koreans who could help show me around and teach me about life in Korea. After many hours of meticulous research, I would like to share with you the things I have learned about gay dating in Korea so far. (Please cite me in all academic papers.)

1. Profile pics can be…unusual.

He allegedly has a “little big dick”. Is it little or is it big? I’ll never know.

2. Some guys are very secretive.

Being openly gay is not accepted here pretty much at all. There’s no anti-discrimination laws preventing you from being fired if you’re gay (is this the United States?), which forces many guys to avoid showing their faces on apps.

So you see a lot of profile pictures like this:

#blairwitchproject

Some guys get more creative:

This guy seems looks like the perfect match for me. And he’s only looking for friends just like me!

3. Like anywhere, chatting can be difficult.

And the language barrier adds more to that. This guy starting a conversation with me just by unlocking pictures of his dick.

4. Guys can be super impatient.

I couldn’t forget the first time I got called an asshole here. Because I didn’t respond to this guy in seven minutes, he sent me (in my opinion) a very passive aggressive message, which I was not in the mood for. And of course, like Azaelia Banks, I’m never going to shy away from calling a bitch out on social media.

5. Guys can be super intense.

I replied “What the fuck?” to this guy and then he blocked me.

And here’s one of the scariest guys I’ve met through dating apps here in Korea. “Patrick” and I first matched on Tinder. Our conversation was pretty tame to start off. Things seemed promising.

 

One Tuesday or Wednesday, he asked me if I wanted to go ice skating that weekend. I had tentative plans with my sister and he lives pretty far away, so I didn’t respond immediately. I also didn’t want to explain why I couldn’t commit to his plan because I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go all the way across the city to meet this guy. I didn’t really know much about him. Then I started getting passive aggressive messages (this seems to be a theme here) like “I guess we won’t hang out this weekend.” “I guess we won’t ever meet…” Stuff like that. I told him he was acting very dramatic. He sent a series of utterly crazy messages that I wish I could have screenshot before he unmatched with me. He did however find me on OKCupid and wrote this rant about some (maybe imaginary) Americans who told him that I wouldn’t be a good friend blablabla.

Please notice what tabs I had open.

So, bye Patrick. I will not be your Spongebob.

I met someone a few weeks ago who showed me Patrick’s picture on his phone and warned me about him, which confirmed my suspicions. Apparently, Patrick was making fake profiles using this guy’s pictures. That’s some Catfish shit and I’m not into it.

So, no love life to speak of here in Korea. Carry on posting your couples pics on Facebook and sending me  your wedding invitations.

Hating Dating

Hating Dating

***Warning: Graphic images and language used below. Not suitable for children or lame bitches who can’t stomach a harmless dick pic. Do not read the Grindr section on a work computer.***

Dating isn’t something that has really come naturally to me. I say that not to feel sorry for myself but rather to show that the few brief relationships I have participated in have not been initiated by dates. So how have my relationships started? I fell in love with my best friend. I slept with my Guatemalan friend’s bestie on spring break because he was hot. A guy left his live-in boyfriend (maybe just a little bit) because of me. You know, the usual.

After moving to DC, I decided to put myself out there and try to date seriously. This was not Norman, Oklahoma where the gay population is incestuous and options are limited. This is not Armenia where the gay bar gets fire-bombed. This was the gay Mecca, where all the short, pretentious boys of all races flocked to realize their political dreams of working on Capitol Hill, and end up temping at a random law office and being a part-time barista.

OKCupid

I started using OKCupid at my friend Courtney’s suggestion. She met her current beau on it and the pair have been together for about two years. The site is a like an eHarmony or Match.com for younger people who don’t want to pay for dating or haven’t reached that level of desperation yet.

I assumed there was no harm in putting myself out there. OKC’s clearly for dating and not hooking up in terms of the questions it asks users. I had to list “the six things I could never do without” as opposed to my “tribe” (see Grindr below). After having a presence on the site for a little over a year, I think it’s a smart concept but DC gays have yet to figure out how to use it effectively. Or maybe, it’s not them; it’s me. From my recollection, I have met up with four guys that I started talking to on OKCupid. None of them went past the first date and that’s cool. I just wanted to put myself out there and meet new people. Find out what I’m looking for in a guy. All that Bridget Jones shit.

Pros:

Not for hookups

Shows height of guys (I’m a tall glass of water and like my prospective significant others to be the same)

Cons:

Others can see if I viewed their profile (awkward when you accidentally do it multiple times)

Guys decide their body types. That means even though I can see your gut and man boobs, you can still call yourself “fit”. Sure, you are.

Overall, I rated a lot of guys. A lot of guys rated me. Sometimes, we messaged back and forth. More often than not, one of us gave up responding and that was that. Of the guys I went out with: one was too pretentious, one was a terrible kisser, one had an annoying voice, and one was a hot Turkish guy that stopped talking to me. Two out of five stars.

Tinder

This app became all the rage at the end of last summer. I learned about it by glancing over my friend’s shoulder at a bar while she was using it. For those who don’t know how it works, you browse through prospectives’ profiles that show their name, age, picture, and a little blurb about themselves. You can choose to either swipe right if you like the person or left if you’ll take a pass. If you and the prospective both swipe right, you’re matched and can begin messaging through the app. It uses your location and tells you how far away the person is from you. Some people think it’s a superficial concept but I’m in favor of it. If you’re at a bar, you want to go up to someone who’s attractive and who looks like they have their shit together. Tinder just mirrors that logic.

Pros:

Does awesome things for self esteem. If you feel ugly, just open up Tinder and swipe right a lot. Someone else will do the same thing and then you’ll both feel a little more attractive that day.

The app can be connected to your Facebook account, so it shows if you have any mutual friends or interests. This can be a good judge of the person’s character. He’s friends with a cool girl you know from college? Might lead to something. He’s friends with that pretentious asshole you met at a networking event? Probably should swipe left.

Cons:

Doesn’t show height or weight. Have to assume that if someone only shows photos from the neck up, a soft body is lurking out of frame.

I swear to god if I see one more picture of a guy who did the Color Run or holding some random baby, I will lose it!

NO ONE TALKS TO ME!! I have come to the conclusion that guys here just use it to boost their egos. Over the course of almost a year, I have matched with 311 people. I’m guessing that over 200 of those guys have not messaged me once. It should come as no surprise then that I have never met up with anyone from this app not because I didn’t want to. I have found the guys on here, like many in DC, to be flaky, non-committal, and just overall douchey.

It has become sleazy. I know it has pretty much always been that way for straight guys looking for girls. But a casual conversation about something very important for me (height) can turn into this:

Yeah, Connor. It was. That was the end of our messaging. Lately, I’ve only used Tinder for when I’m riding the porcelain throne and have a good internet connection. One out of five stars.

Grindr

The king daddy of all gay apps. It is known for being purely a hookup app, although some guys attempt to find dates or friends using it. Others, seem nice enough and then just send you a picture of their dick like, want it?

Like, whaaaat?

Nice to meet you too!

There’s not much to describe in terms of how the app works. It uses the location of your phone and finds other guys nearby. You can post a picture (must be approved) and enter basic information like height, weight, age, etc. Funny story about profile pics: I tried to use my main modeling pic, and it got denied TWICE!! Really? Half of the people on here use a shirtless torso pic, but I’m restricted from having a tasteful undie shot? What’s wrong with this gay world we live in? My Amer-I-Can Take it off photo, on the other hand, was ok by their standards.

On Grindr, you can also choose your “tribe”. Some of the options include bear, clean-cut, daddy, jock, leather, otter, rugged, and twink. Despite all of the progress that gay activists have made in previous decades, fighting for equal rights and acceptance, the gay scene has deemed it necessary for gays to be categorized into tribes, many with animal names. How are we supposed speak out against being treated like second class citizens, when as gay men we identify both ourselves and the type of guys we are attracted to as “bears” and “otters”? Ugh, one of my many frustrations with the current state of gay affairs in America. I also don’t see myself as any of these tribes so that could also be the impetus for my bitterness.

Pros:

Lots of people to talk to. In Armenia, there were about ten guys within one hundred miles who used this app. After that, the closest guys were in Georgia (the country) or Turkey. In DC, you can’t walk fifty feet without running into another gay guy. But, with so many poodles in this city, you get a lot of weirdos.

I seriously have never heard that before.

Cons:

Guys really don’t know how to make conversation. Like, I just…can’t.

A very productive conversation.
Manners.

This made me want to take four showers in a row and then go to church.

I eventually gave up trying to find anything serious on Grindr and jokingly made my profile headline something along the lines of “Will put out for pizza”. My personal goal when I go out is finding a guy who will buy me pizza at the end of the night. We don’t even have to hook up. That would even be preferable because who feels sexy after eating pizza? I noticed a significant decrease in the number of people that were interested in messaging me for either no strings attached hookups or otherwise after this profile transformation, which was kind of a bummer. My faithful blog followers (all 7 of you) know I like attention, both romantic and weird.

I know what I want.

 

This guys’ profileIMG_0870

IMG_0861IMG_0862

I was so close to at least getting a cheeseburger out of this guy.

Most people either took it as a joke or stopped talking to me immediately. Then there was Roberto: For the millionth time on Grindr, I was left at a loss for words.

Nothing can compare to my convo with this 19 year old from Bethesda, Maryland though. While having a little kiki with my friends by the pool, I drank a little too much and decided to mess with this guy. His response though makes me embarrassed, both for myself and for this guy who #1 not only thought that a guy would believe he could get pregnant but #2 was still interested in dating that guy.

IMG_0877 IMG_0878

Someone needs to give that boy a lesson in self respect. You are worth more than that.

Grindr, I can’t even use the five-star scale to rate you. I hate you and love you at the same time.

In the end, none of these apps have brought about any positive change in my life. If anything, they have lowered my self esteem because I have made passes at so many seemingly attractive people that have gone mostly unreciprocated. I have also become dependent on these apps and constantly look at them for gratification. Oh, no matches on OKCupid or Tinder and no one’s messaged me on Grindr today? It must be because I’m unattractive and don’t deserve anyone. FALSE!!! I don’t like preaching but this needs to be clear to all the single people who feel they are not good enough: Dates, dating apps, and other people do not determine your worth in this world. People in relationships are not better than you. Being single is not the end of the world. You is good. You is kind. You is important.

A couple of weeks ago, I tried to talk to my mom about relationship stuff. (She was actually very understanding when I went through my Oklahomo drama.) I had gone to the club and met a boy who was tall, handsome, older than me, didn’t have an annoying voice, all the qualities I look for. We exchanged numbers, but after a few back and forths, it became clear that things were never going to move forward. Being the sensitive little bitch that I am, I took it personally and just needed to talk about my feelings. Despite wanting to talk about my sister’s menstrual cycle, my mom did offer a few key words of advice: “If he’s not interested, fuck ’em.” This, ladies and gentlemen, is my mother Carol Ann and I will make her words my life motto. (I recommend you do the same.)

I will be sending a link to this blog post to all users mentioned here and then deleting these apps. I know that I will miss them, especially when I come home drunk and like to aggressively flirt with random guys in my vicinity while aggressively stuffing my face with anything in reach. But, even though I receive instant gratification from my browsing/rating/messaging these random guys, I always wake up the next morning, hungover and ashamed for not being able to resist the temptation.

Goodbye, OKCupid, Tinder, and Grindr. I’m over you, at least for now.

The Princess and the Peter

The Princess and the Peter

Call me a bitch. Ok, don’t. But be ready to one very opinionated and REAL post. This is my story, my struggle (dramatic pause) of living with the world’s worst roommate.

Let’s call him Princess. It’ll make sense in a minute. I moved into my place in February. The housee had just been renovated so the landlord had to fill all five bedrooms. I was the third person to move in. Princess was number four. I didn’t have any help in picking him as a roommate. All I knew is that he had a very attractive boyfriend, his parents were going to pay his rent, and he talked like this:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/350669

I was a bit nervous as I had never lived with another gay guy but I thought that it could work out and we could be good friends. When I moved in, all of my belongings fit in one pickup truck. It took 10 minutes to bring everything inside. It took Princess and FOUR other people THREE days to prepare his boudoir a.k.a. bedroom. I tried not to judge him for still relying on his parents financially. Finding a job after graduation was a huge ordeal for me so I thought maybe he just needed a little extra support while getting his career on track. Then I saw his Keurig, his complete set of Paula Deen pots and pans, the ARTWORK HANGING ON HIS WALLS, and that made me reconsider. (What 22-year-old has artwork?!)

We got along fine at the beginning. I knew that we were never going to be close friends because he came across as extremely naïve and ditzy. He was already skinnier than me but would buy Slim Fast and constantly talk about how he wanted to lose weight. He loved drama in any aspect: watching it, starting it, being involved in it. He loved Bravo (gross), especially Shahs of Sunset and Real Housewives (gag). He claimed that he was involved in a sex scandal while he was interning in Germany, an extreme exaggeration for a virgin, and just wanted to be a stay-at-home socialite and drive around in a Land Rover. Despite all of this, I tolerated him with my signature eyerolling. We went out several times to gay clubs and we each met each other’s friends. 

Shit hit the fan after our house hosted a Cinco de Mayo party.

The party itself was pretty fun. It’s always nice to meet new people and let loose. I met some of Princess’ friends that I hadn’t met before. One even turned out to be a pretty good friend who joined my kickball team.

THREE WEEKS AFTER the party, we were having one of our irregular house meetings. It took us a while to get all five roommates’ schedules aligned so we had a few housekeeping issues to discuss. But, I really didn’t expect the meeting to last more than 15 minutes. I had even invited my kickball friend over to watch old episodes of Dance Moms. While he waited upstairs, the roommates began with the usual pleasantries and shooting the shit. Finally, we started talking about chores and the kitchen. We all had an opinion about what to do-blah blah blah. Finally, Princess starts going off on this tangent talking about how people in this house need to stop talking about each other behind their backs. Wtf? Where did this come from? So I asked him, “Princess, are you referring to something specific or is this just a general feeling you have?” With a snap of the neck, that bitch went off. “YOU WENT AROUND MY PARTY TELLING ALL OF MY FRIENDS THAT I’M A PRINCESS, I DON’T CLEAN, AND THAT MY PARENTS PAY FOR EVERYTHING.” To this day, I stand by those statements. It’s not my business but I’m entitled to have my opinion and from what I observed, this is a pretty fair statement. Eventually, we decoded from his Real Housewives-esque story that I had called him a princess at the Cinco de Mayo party when talking about how he never cleans anything. I wasn’t the first or only house member to call him this. It was also originally said as a joke and nothing malicious was intended. But for the next 2 hours, I had to listen to him rant about how he never wants to have any type of relationship with me as long as we live together. I didn’t really care much about the loss of friendship but it was slightly disturbing because I’ve lived with so many other people and have never had an argument like that. I’ve also never had someone talk to me like that, which I think reflects his character and not the way I come across to people. At least, I hope this is the case.

That was the initial incident that started this post. Immediately after our fight, he deleted me from Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn (I didn’t even know that was possible). For two and a half more months, we had to live together while not speaking to or looking at each other. Welcome back to junior high. Things got worse once my terrible roommate and his boyfriend broke up. Everyone had seen this coming for a while. Princess obviously liked to party and make out with random guys. He liked attention and being fought over. The boyfriend wanted to be serious and also liked to baby Princess: taking care of him when he repeatedly drank too much, bringing him jumbo slices of pizza (that I was jealous of), etc. Now, I’m not in a position to criticize relationships because my love life is terrible, but their host-parasite coexistence nauseated and frustrated me. I wasn’t sad when it was over. BUT! the night of the breakup, Princess had a breakdown. And I mean catastrophic, nuclear, end-of-the-world muh-fucking BREAKDOWN.

I was sitting in my room around 11 o’clock on a weeknight and I heard yelling downstairs. Oh no, I thought, he’s coming for me. I knew I could take him physically; it was just the thought of someone coming for me that put me on edge. It turns out he was yelling on the phone with his parents. He then proceeded to slam every door in the house and throw shit around in his room. My roommates and I formed a prayer circle in the living room to get the demons out of our house so that we would be pure in the Lord’s eyes.

From this point on, Princess decided to remedy his “broken heart” with alcohol and heathen affairs. He went out and got drunk every night, so much so that he even vomited up blood. He frequented Grindr and OKCupid and constantly spent the night with his beaus. He loved discussing his sex-capades with my roommates, who quickly tired of his voice and search for gratification. Although I was not planning to renew my lease at that place, I led the petition to have him kicked out by the landlord. My other roommates and I all went through the lease and pointed out which parts he had violated. Just when it looked like good would win out over drama, Princess decided to move in with a gay couple who would continue to baby him. Unsurprisingly, we haven’t been in touch since then. Good riddance. I hope one day you’ll grow a pair and act like a fucking adult, worst roommate in the world. If you ever need anyone to talk to, don’t come look for me because I don’t give one shit. Buh bye.