Officially a Kardashian

Officially a Kardashian

So, I somehow managed to make it to Yerevan, Armenia, where I am interning with the UNDP for six months. It was a pretty big decision to make because I’m poor, medicated, and knew zero people in Armenia before coming here. But I figured I might as well let this tiny mountain country handle my jelly for a while.
I had been eager to get out of Norman for a while, or so I thought. I wanted a big boy job and all the benefits that come with it. I anticipated life after graduation would suck with no job, but this summer was actually a lot of fun. The morning I left for my 20-hour drive back to Virginia, I sobbed so hard I needed paper towels (not tissues). That might also be because I left a certain boy behind.
After days of round the clock anxiety, I finally set off on my trip to Armenia. Luckily, someone was waiting for me at the airport and drove me to another person’s apartment where I would be staying. Super nice, right? The only catch is that the guy who lives in the apartment is out of the country. So, I’m all alone in this apartment with no internet, I miss my friends, AND I can’t sleep. This led to some serious feelings of anxiety, depression, and doubt about whether I made the right choice about coming here L.
My first day I was on my own and only went into the city to use wifi  at a local café. I needed to tell my momma that I was alive! Other than that, I just stayed at home because it was damn hot out. On my second full day, I met up with someone from the UNDP office who offered to help me get a cell phone. She gave me a tour of the office and being the dork I am, I got chills walking around the place because IT’S THE UN!!! Ani introduced me to some of her family and friends and we just hung out in Yerry (Yerevan). One of her friends, who I assumed was gay, kept asking me about girls, which I assumed was a ploy to out me so he could out himself and make the moves on me. Instead this is how it played out:
Unibrow (Use your imagination to figure out why this is his codename): You have a girlfriend?
Me: No.
Unibrow: There are many beautiful girls in Armenia. You want an Armenian girlfriend?
Me: No.
(I thought his reaction would just be like “Oh, yes, you are a player! You want many girls.” but instead, he went for the money.)
Uni: You do like girls, right?
Me: …No.
U: There are many beautiful boys in Armenia!
Me: But isn’t it kind of weird to be gay in Armenia?
(You know what I mean. Like am I going to get stoned for it?)
U: I think that it’s weird everywhere to be gay. (<=best quote ever)
Antywhoze, the night was fun. I was glad to make some friends and not be left sitting at home reading a book and doing sudokus. Let me remind you that there is no internet in the apartment! The bar we went to was nice but so strange. It’s called Bourbon Street and the menu consists of Cajun chicken and “chilli”. That’s right, with two “L”s. While showing episodes of Dexter’s Laboratory and other cartoons on a projector, they played an assortment of American music that included Backstreet Boys, Fergie, and the soundtrack from Sister Act 2. It was pretty happening. I think I got a good feel of the Armenian youth. Some girls are quite pretty as Unibrow told me, but the guys don’t have as much luck. For example, Bourbon Street probably had 50-75 people there Saturday night. Imagine both you and I went together and I was describing a guy to you. This is how the convo would go:
Me: Hey, you remember that guy from BS? (which is what I’m going to call that place from now on).
You: Which one?
Me: The attractive one.
You: Oh yeah, I know exactly who you’re talking about.
There was also the typical gay guy who hasn’t realized he’s gay yet but has man boobs and knows all the lyrics to every Rihanna song. We see you chubby gay!
I’ll leave you with a list of my personal observations of Armenia so far:
1. Approximately 90% of Armenians need makeovers. In terms of clothing and personal upkeep, I give pretty much everyone an E for effort. But most guys’ haircuts are gross, like mullets and shit. A lot of girls try to be fashion forward but many fail and end up looking like Big Ang from Mob Wives.

2. Not many people wear shorts. Sorry if I offend you Armenia but if you see how much I’m sweating right now in my shorty shorts, you can imagine how bad this would be if I was wearing jeans like you are. There would be puddles of ass-sweat all over your city.
3. How I am going to learn this language???

Author: Peter

I’m a failed model/international peace mediator. I like telling stories, traveling, and guys. Besides becoming Oprah, my biggest life goal is to be able to do the splits. All the way.

One thought on “Officially a Kardashian

  1. Oh lord boy. No internet???? and you should have told that boy "I think it's weird everywhere to have a fugly face but you seem to manage." I'm thinking you need to start your own show: Queer Eye for the Armenian Guy. Also that language looks like the cursive I used to draw when I was 6. Best of luck. MIss you :(((((

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