I got hooked on RuPaul’s Drag Race during its second season in 2010. Two different friends recommended it to me on two different occasions, so I felt like I had to give it a try. The show was pretty barebones back then. The winner only got $25,000. But, the concept was golden: drag queens competing against each other. Duh, I’ll watch that.
Here we are in 2015 and I’m a mega fan of the show. I’ve been to the crownings for the last two seasons (in Las Vegas and New York City) and I watch past contestants’ webseries at work. To me, drag queens on TV are bitchy and funny and I think some of them are cute as boys despite having shaved off all their body hair and overtweezed their eyebrows. But, I never thought I could date a guy who did drag. However, one queen this season made me question that because I realized I was attracted to her both in and out of drag. Ok, I mean I think she’s funny in drag and that I have a crush on her out of drag (I’m not into sex with boys IN drag).
Her name is Ekaterina Zamolodchikova. But you can call her Katya.
She’s a scrawny boy from Boston who speaks fluent Russian and does the splits like none other.
This is her boyself:
She made it to the top five of the show and was the only contestant that I could see winning. But, she was unfairly eliminated and then I gave up on this season. I didn’t even really care who won despite being in New York at the crowning. I was still on #teamkatya.
Katya came to DC back in April when the show was still airing and she hadn’t been eliminated yet. I saw her perform on a Saturday night at a gay club and then was going to see her the following Monday at a gay bar where they host RuPaul’s Drag Race watch parties. As I was walking up to the bar, I passed a Holiday Inn and saw her sitting there smoking a cigarette in full drag. I went up and talked to her for fifteen minutes or so until we both walked over to the bar. Unfortunately, she didn’t fall in love with me then, so I wrote her a love letter expressing my feelings:
I know you’re a big deal, but I hope that you’re not so busy/illiterate that you can’t read and respond to your own fan mail. A part of me hopes you don’t because I’m pretty nervous about writing a love letter to a drag queen, but I do hope that you/someone will respond.
I had the privilege of meeting you in person and talking to you for a little bit when you were here in DC in April. You were going to co-host the Drag Race watch party at Number Nine and I was headed to the bar to watch with my friends. After a long day of hooking a.k.a. being a stupid DC young professional, I was walking to the bar looking a fool with all of my bags and my bike helmet. I saw you sitting outside the Holiday Inn, smoking a cigarette. My heart started racing because I’ve developed not only a fascination for your drag but a huge boy crush on you. I knew that I had to go up and at least say hi to you.
I was nervous to interrupt your smoke, but (being Mom) you were a big sweetheart and actually look good in drag in person. Drag queens in DC are typically pretty scary looking up close if you haven’t noticed. After you clocked my business casual khaki on khaki look, we sat on the bench and just chatted for fifteen minutes or so until someone came to take you to the bar. You talked about how attractive guys in DC are (which I don’t 100% agree with). We also discussed how you wear perfume in drag, which I was always curious about because how far does drag go? Do you wear boy deodorant in drag? Boy underwear?
The owner of Number Nine finally came, and we all walked to the bar together. I felt like such a groupie walking in with you. People were actually looking at me and wanted to know who I was. You also remembered my name and said it when you were hosting. It was a mega dream come true for me.
I tried to say bye to you that night but you were swarmed with fans wanting to take pictures with you, which is understandable because you’re the best. I had joked with my friends that I was going to download Grindr and scroll Craigslist when you were in town to try to hook up with you or, at least, buy you a cupcake or something. So, it was perfect to just stumble across you outside Holiday Inn.
I hope that you will come back to DC sometime soon. I will definitely come see your show and continue to dream that we will one day get together. Even though I’ve never brought anyone home to meet my family (because boys suck), I’ve already mentally worked up the courage to let them know that I’m planning to marry a drag queen. I usually think that being around queens non-stop would be exhausting, but I am 100% ready to quit my job and be your groupie/boyfriend whenever.
I will continue to watch your webseries while eating lunch at my boring office job and follow you all over Instagram and Facebook. Continue being you because your fanbase is ridiculous. Your humor is super sexy and I will hold out hope that I will get to know someone romantically who makes me laugh as much as you do.
I hope that you or a member of your posse will write back.
I sincerely love you.
Let me know if you want me to send nudes.
P.S. Here’s a picture I found in Colombia that reminded me of you.”
Do I think this was really Katya replying? No. If it was, do I think she remembered me? Not really. But, I had to try to make this relationship work! So, I responded:
”Yaaas kween! Scabby dick all o’er my body. Here are some teasers. Will send nudes when the swelling goes down.”
I sent some of my modeling pics. They’re not that scandalous. I never got a response. I guess we’re not meant to be right now unfortunately. I think she might be afraid of commitment.
I’m a failed model/international peace mediator. I like telling stories, traveling, and guys. Besides becoming Oprah, my biggest life goal is to be able to do the splits. All the way.