Body Complaining

Body Complaining

The body can be a beautiful thing. Besides having the capacity to be beautiful on the exterior, it also can be incredibly resilient in fighting infections, recovering from ailments, and adapting to new changes.

The body can also be gross as fuck. For example, my body has grossed me out NUMEROUS times in the past. I know that I’m getting older but damn, some of the stuff that has happened to me over the years really makes me think that God has a sense of humor. Here is a list of some of these less ideal occurrences:

1. Pimples anywhere besides of my face – I get that acne is a right of passage for many adolescents. Hormones, oily skin, blackheads, etc. But eventually, it needs to stop. Wet dreams do so why can’t acne? Recently, I have found pimples on my shin, inner thigh, and the surprisingly unsurprising ass pimple. It’s always right on the part of your butt where you sit too.

Every summer

2. I once had boogers coming out of my eyes – I got sick and I guess I touched my eyes after rubbing my nose. So, I’ll take the blame for that one.

3. Gray pubic hairs – I have two. You would think that they blend in with their brothers. They don’t. Therefore, sexy times must always occur in the dark.

4. Hair on my nose – No, not in my nose, on it. Have to tweeze that once or twice a week. The only other person that I’ve seen with this is a Turkish shop assistant.

5. Bald patch in my chest hair – No one claims to see it but I trim my chest hair when I bare it in public so that it looks even. I used to use this medicine for my chest acne and I guess it just Chernobyl-ed the shit out of that patch of skin. I should have used it on my ass too.

6. Male yeast infection – Most guys who get this usually get it from having sex with a yeasty girl. I can assure you this did not happen. I just wanted to wear cute tight underwear and work out to get in shape. This led to a six-month long series of red patches all over my junk, including one that looked like South America.


Despite all of these imperfections, I still appreciate my body a lot. I mean, how could I have survived so many drunken shenanigans and still look this good every morning?  Okay, not EVERY morning.

However, I do think a lot of these do crush my dreams of ever becoming a model. The number one reason I won’t be a supermodel though is my body and once again, that’s a little bit my fault. But who wants a pimply ass to walk down the runway? No one.

So Dove, please include me in your next Body Beautiful campaign. You have all shapes, sizes, and colors so why not add some gray pubes? TY

Author: Peter

I’m a failed model/international peace mediator. I like telling stories, traveling, and guys. Besides becoming Oprah, my biggest life goal is to be able to do the splits. All the way.

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