This past weekend I went back to my old stomping ground of Norman, Oklahoma. Although I hated going to college there at first, I grew to like the town and made a lot of close friends and happy memories that I hold dear in my heart. I hadn’t been back since the summer after graduating, which was actually one of the most fun times I can remember. When I wasn’t working, I spent all my free time hanging out. And because I didn’t have any classes to worry about, I could actually loosen up and have a good time. I even started seeing a guy that I REALLY liked.
Right as I was hitting my stride that summer, I found out that I had been offered an internship with the UN in Armenia. I had been waiting for news like this for a while, but when it finally happened, I was hesitant to accept it because I didn’t want to leave everything behind and be so far away. I got the email one morning when I was lying in bed with this boy. It was a little awkward to share the news with him because I knew that my good fortune would mean the end of our short relationship. Even after my internship, I probably wouldn’t move back to Norman. And he showed no sign of leaving, so distance seemed to be the factor that would ultimately end what we had. However, we continued seeing each other until I left and didn’t really break things off. He even said he’d wait for me.
I think that if I had still been in Norman, things would have turned out differently. But, despite trying to use Facebook and email, he eventually gave up talking to me after I had left. (I seem to attract boys who like to stop talking to me after stringing me along). It was harder for me because I was alone in Armenia and hated my internship, the country, and how I couldn’t find a paid job. I knew he was still hanging out with our old friend group because I saw pictures. It was sad seeing that everyone had moved on, but I knew that my friends still cared about me (or so I thought).
I came back to the U.S. in January and immediately starting working and living in Washington, DC. It had already been six months since leaving Norman, but I still missed my friends and wanted to go back to visit at some point. I was confident that everyone would be happy to see me, even this boy despite the fact that we had moved in different directions.
This past weekend was my long-awaited homecoming. I had only told a few friends that I was coming because I figured they’d let everyone know and I also love a little element of surprise. I was nervous about what was going to happen with this boy! Would he still think I’m attractive? Would he be nice to me? I spent most of the week preparing myself to tell him that I have a rash on my junk (not an STD) so sex would be a no-go but other stuff would be ok. I knew he was still hanging out with my best guy friend. I saw their pics on Facebook. But they’re just good friends, right?
WRONG. VERY WRONG.
As soon as I got in my friend Selina’s car at the airport, I found out that they’ve been dating for months and are pretty serious. They even live together in the same room. Ouch! That hurt. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. While I was studying abroad in Turkey, I found out through Facebook that my ex-boyfriend and best friend were dating. I was hurt not that they were together, but that neither of them felt the need to tell me. Isn’t that friend etiquette? Ask your friend before you go out with his ex? Nope, Oklahoma gays have proved to me that there is no code of conduct and that hos always come before bros. I mean, even before I left for Armenia, we all talked about this scenario happening again. And I made it known that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they got together, but please please have some consideration and tell me so that I don’t look like a fucking dumbshit.
But there I was on my first night back in Oklahoma, and I already wanted to turn around and go back home. If these guys didn’t have the decency to tell me that they’d been dating probably ever since I left a year and a half ago, were they really people I cared to associate with anymore? I figured that I’d see them at some point during the weekend and that they’d want to see me. I even brought them presents. I just wanted to first state that my feelings were hurt but that I didn’t have a problem with them being together (even though inside I did. I’m taller and better looking than my friend so why the step down?) I thought once we moved past that, things could be ok and we’d just hang out and have a good time.
I only saw my “friend” once at a bar with a bunch of other people. (The boy hid from me the entire weekend.) It wasn’t really the best time to talk so I didn’t bring up anything substantial. We were just hanging out in a group, but then I would have a thought cross my mind like “You lost your virginity to my ex” or “I wrote you a fucking poem when I was in Armenia and this is what I get?!” After that encounter and some consulting with my friends, I decided to ask to have a talk the next day. He ignored my texts and made FB statuses and tweets like “idgaf” and “frankly u can ess my dee.” Who could he be referencing?… APPARENTLY IT WAS ME!!!
Selina hinted a couple times that this friend had some major baggage that he now felt toward me. I don’t know the exact details (because no one can communicate) but apparently, he is completely fine not having any sort of relationship with me. Really? Look through your friend group in Norman and realize how many of your friends you met THROUGH ME including your current boyfriend. I wish I could give all the examples of things that we did that exemplify how close we were, but it’s kind of useless now. Although I know I shouldn’t fixate on the loss of friendship because I am a sexy young professional in DC and they are college dropouts working minimum wage jobs in Oklahoma, I do feel like a loser. I mean they have someone to cuddle with every night. They share cats. They’re even going to California together. And I come home every night alone to write on my blog and brainstorm ways to get my own TV show. I mean, financially I’m way better off, but emotionally, I’m empty.
This experience has also caused me a lot of trauma because these weren’t just average friends. I loved one with all my heart and I cared a lot about the other as a friend and as more. The lack of any sort of compassion for the situation I was in this weekend really threw me. I felt bullied by my friend, who now claims that I was a shitty person to him throughout our friendship. Do all my friends think the same thing? Do I have any friends? Does anyone love me? Does Oprah still love me? I’m a big mess right now. So, if you’re reading this, feel free to let me know if we’re still friends or if I should delete you from FB too. Also, hugs are appreciated.
I went back to Oklahoma to hang out with my friends who I thought were still my friends. It turns out my ex-love interest and (now ex) best friend are dating and living the perfect life of poverty with their fucking cats. Neither of them and none of my friends felt the need to tell me. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. And I guess that I was a terrible friend because my ex bestie thinks I treated him badly and wants nothing to do with me. I want to call him something creative, vulgar, degrading, hurtful, and insulting but I can’t because in my head, he’s still a friend. But, somewhere between last summer and now, he drank some Kool-Aid that completely tarnished his opinion of me. Now, I’m confused about everyone and everything in life.