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Month: December 2013

Birthday. No Sex.

Birthday. No Sex.

I really hate my birthday. It’s not something I look forward to. Every year’s the same. I’m still single and still not famous, just another year older. But, although I try to avoid it, it keeps happening. So, I suck it up and usually find some way to celebrate with friends. It’s pretty much impossible to coordinate all of my DC friends’ schedules, so being the goober I am, I made an online survey for my closest friends to fill out to decide whether I should have a party at all and if so, when. I got a kick out of some of their responses.

What is your favorite type of alcohol?

  • Vodka or rum

  • I want to drink all of the alcohols with you but I will be on a plane to koala land!

  • Tequila, gin, whiskey, rum. Just NOT VODKA. (You kno dis.)

  • Rum pumpumpumpumm. Also cider.

  • All of the above

  • Bourbon

  • Champagne!

  • vodka!

  • Doesn’t matter, cheaper/trashier the better

  • gin and tonics!

  • Tie between vodka and gin. But really I’ll drink anything 🙂

What kind of snacks do you want?

  • Dip baby!

  • Pickles are always a hit. You can also use the juice for shots!

  • Pizza?

  • All the snacks. Except for hummus and shit like triscuits.

  • Cookies and goldfish (live ones) Jk

  • Chocolate

  • I’m not picky

  • Whatever you have for me

  • dont care

  • Diabetes inducing


  • Cheese and crackers, potato chips, hummus, any of the above.

  • Bourbon

Do you want to have a good time or are you going to be a lame ho?

Good time: 12 people (92.31% of respondents)

Lame Ho: 5 people (38.46% of respondents)

What should the theme of my party be?

  • ANTM

  • Mammals & grandmas

  • … Gay… Stuff? Idk, Heather. I’m not good at themed stuff. Although if you provided me with an excuse to wear heels that would be p cool.

  • Cats.

  • Celebrate Peter time?

  • Sex. No babies.

  • Chelsea’s sad she can’t be there

  • Let me think on this

  • Diva Day–everyone dress up as their favorite Diva! Wish i could come 🙁 I will be out of town–leaving Dec. 11th. buttt have so much fun!

  • Celebrity mugshots or the whole party is the rupaul challenge where they’re celebrities

  • ANTM, and you are TYRA.

  • “Congress Can’t Shut Us Down”

  • good times with lame hoes

If you read my last blog post, you know that I went to Oklahoma for a weekend trip and lost a few good friends during my travels. I came back the week before my birthday and wasn’t feeling too excited about throwing this party that I had already made a Facebook event for. But you only turn 17 once, so I figured that I should follow through and make the best of things. Over twenty people came to a party put on ONLY BY ME and no one was a dick, which warmed my heart a million times.

The turnout to my birthday party as well as the presents and special messages I received on my birthday really blew me away. I value true friends a lot, so I get really upset when one of my friendships seems to crumble like it did in Oklahoma. However, my birthday made me realize that there are some people that truly care about me, and those are the people I need to surround myself with. Advice: Don’t fixate on asses that just waste your time and emotions.

Sappy conclusion:

I care about people in my life a great deal and am fortunate to have made so many happy memories with them. They all inspire me to be a better person and keep chugging along when things get tough. A big thank you to everyone that has played a part in my life so far and sent me a shout out on my birthday (even if it was a simple FB wall post). I hope that your life is filled with love, happiness, and cats. May the spirit of Oprah bless you and your loved ones during this holiday season and lead us all to success and (in my case) fame.


Pita Mustafa




This past weekend I went back to my old stomping ground of Norman, Oklahoma. Although I hated going to college there at first, I grew to like the town and made a lot of close friends and happy memories that I hold dear in my heart. I hadn’t been back since the summer after graduating, which was actually one of the most fun times I can remember. When I wasn’t working, I spent all my free time hanging out. And because I didn’t have any classes to worry about, I could actually loosen up and have a good time. I even started seeing a guy that I REALLY liked.

Right as I was hitting my stride that summer, I found out that I had been offered an internship with the UN in Armenia. I had been waiting for news like this for a while, but when it finally happened, I was hesitant to accept it because I didn’t want to leave everything behind and be so far away. I got the email one morning when I was lying in bed with this boy. It was a little awkward to share the news with him because I knew that my good fortune would mean the end of our short relationship. Even after my internship, I probably wouldn’t move back to Norman. And he showed no sign of leaving, so distance seemed to be the factor that would ultimately end what we had. However, we continued seeing each other until I left and didn’t really break things off.  He even said he’d wait for me.

I think that if I had still been in Norman, things would have turned out differently. But, despite trying to use Facebook and email, he eventually gave up talking to me after I had left. (I seem to attract boys who like to stop talking to me after stringing me along). It was harder for me because I was alone in Armenia and hated my internship, the country, and how I couldn’t find a paid job. I knew he was still hanging out with our old friend group because I saw pictures. It was sad seeing that everyone had moved on, but I knew that my friends still cared about me (or so I thought).

I came back to the U.S. in January and immediately starting working and living in Washington, DC. It had already been six months since leaving Norman, but I still missed my friends and wanted to go back to visit at some point. I was confident that everyone would be happy to see me, even this boy despite the fact that we had moved in different directions.

This past weekend was my long-awaited homecoming. I had only told a few friends that I was coming because I figured they’d let everyone know and I also love a little element of surprise. I was nervous about what was going to happen with this boy! Would he still think I’m attractive? Would he be nice to me? I spent most of the week preparing myself to tell him that I have a rash on my junk (not an STD) so sex would be a no-go but other stuff would be ok. I knew he was still hanging out with my best guy friend. I saw their pics on Facebook. But they’re just good friends, right?


As soon as I got in my friend Selina’s car at the airport, I found out that they’ve been dating for months and are pretty serious. They even live together in the same room. Ouch! That hurt. Oddly enough, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. While I was studying abroad in Turkey, I found out through Facebook that my ex-boyfriend and best friend were dating. I was hurt not that they were together, but that neither of them felt the need to tell me. Isn’t that friend etiquette? Ask your friend before you go out with his ex? Nope, Oklahoma gays have proved to me that there is no code of conduct and that hos always come before bros. I mean, even before I left for Armenia, we all talked about this scenario happening again. And I made it known that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they got together, but please please have some consideration and tell me so that I don’t look like a fucking dumbshit.

But there I was on my first night back in Oklahoma, and I already wanted to turn around and go back home. If these guys didn’t have the decency to tell me that they’d been dating probably ever since I left a year and a half ago, were they really people I cared to associate with anymore? I figured that I’d see them at some point during the weekend and that they’d want to see me. I even brought them presents. I just wanted to first state that my feelings were hurt but that I didn’t have a problem with them being together (even though inside I did. I’m taller and better looking than my friend so why the step down?) I thought once we moved past that, things could be ok and we’d just hang out and have a good time.


I only saw my “friend” once at a bar with a bunch of other people. (The boy hid from me the entire weekend.) It wasn’t really the best time to talk so I didn’t bring up anything substantial. We were just hanging out in a group, but then I would have a thought cross my mind like “You lost your virginity to my ex” or “I wrote you a fucking poem when I was in Armenia and this is what I get?!” After that encounter and some consulting with my friends, I decided to ask to have a talk the next day. He ignored my texts and made FB statuses and tweets like “idgaf” and “frankly u can ess my dee.”  Who could he be referencing?… APPARENTLY IT WAS ME!!!

Selina hinted a couple times that this friend had some major baggage that he now felt toward me. I don’t know the exact details (because no one can communicate) but apparently, he is completely fine not having any sort of relationship with me. Really? Look through your friend group in Norman and realize how many of your friends you met THROUGH ME including your current boyfriend. I wish I could give all the examples of things that we did that exemplify how close we were, but it’s kind of useless now. Although I know I shouldn’t fixate on the loss of friendship because I am a sexy young professional in DC and they are college dropouts working minimum wage jobs in Oklahoma, I do feel like a loser. I mean they have someone to cuddle with every night. They share cats. They’re even going to California together. And I come home every night alone to write on my blog and brainstorm ways to get my own TV show. I mean, financially I’m way better off, but emotionally, I’m empty.

This experience has also caused me a lot of trauma because these weren’t just average friends. I loved one with all my heart and I cared a lot about the other as a friend and as more. The lack of any sort of compassion for the situation I was in this weekend really threw me. I felt bullied by my friend, who now claims that I was a shitty person to him throughout our friendship. Do all my friends think the same thing? Do I have any friends? Does anyone love me? Does Oprah still love me? I’m a big mess right now. So, if you’re reading this, feel free to let me know if we’re still friends or if I should delete you from FB too. Also, hugs are appreciated.


I went back to Oklahoma to hang out with my friends who I thought were still my friends. It turns out my ex-love interest and (now ex) best friend are dating and living the perfect life of poverty with their fucking cats. Neither of them and none of my friends felt the need to tell me. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. And I guess that I was a terrible friend because my ex bestie thinks I treated him badly and wants nothing to do with me. I want to call him something creative, vulgar, degrading, hurtful, and insulting but I can’t because in my head, he’s still a friend. But, somewhere between last summer and now, he drank some Kool-Aid that completely tarnished his opinion of me. Now, I’m confused about everyone and everything in life.


Eight Types of People Who Want Me to Feel Sorry for Them (But I Don’t)

Eight Types of People Who Want Me to Feel Sorry for Them (But I Don’t)

It seems that everyone’s a martyr these days. I’m so busy. I’m so tired. I’m so single. Please let me rant about my complicated lifestyle that I have chosen for myself. Although I have been accused of “playing the victim” several times in life, it’s a dirty habit I’m trying to kick. If you want to feel sorry for yourself, fine. That’s a personal choice and I don’t think it will really get you anywhere. If you want me to feel sorry for you, you best look somewhere else. Because I got no time for dat.

1. Bikers- I get it. You want to stay active and save money by biking to work. You’re also environmentally conscious and can get to places way quicker than I can walking. But, when you complain about how people don’t know how to drive and they threaten your safety, I usually side with the dumbass drivers. Bikers, please create some sort of national assembly where you can solidify the rules that you abide by and disperse these rules to all cyclists around the country and world. Do you ride on the sidewalk? Do you wear a helmet at all times? Do you stop at stop signs and stoplights like everyone else? My problem with you guys is that you’re all over the place. When I walk around the city, I often feel endangered by YOU. Wait for me while I cross the crosswalk when I have the right of way and maybe I’ll have some more compassion for your cause.

2. Vegetarians/Vegans- There was this one vegetarian girl at my high school and I thought she could be such a bitch about her dietary choice. “We can’t go to this restaurant because I can’t eat anything.” “The school cafeteria needs to offer more vegetarian options for me.” Me, me, me. Did you give up meat to help the animals or yourself? I was a semi-strict vegetarian for a couple of years in college. I say “semi” because I never wanted my being a vegetarian to cause a scene. When my friend’s mom learned that I was a vegetarian, she asked if I eat Spam. My own grandma made lasagna with meat because she didn’t really understand vegetarianism. At those points, it was just easier for me to just suck it up and eat what’s put in front of me. The animal’s already dead and nobody wants to listen to a lecture from me about ethical and sustainable meat products. I’m not saying to eat things that don’t comply with your diet, I’m just saying stop whining about it. Go eat some non-dairy, non-soy, vegan humble pie.

3. Everyone in Grad School- As a young professional a few years out of college, I often come into contact with people in grad school or people applying for grad school. I don’t really understand the fascination with it, because I just spent four years getting a degree that I’d actually like to use. But everyone’s entitled to follow his/her own course in life, and for some that means pledging your first-born child as collateral so you take out MORE student loans and write your dissertation (along with everyone else) on ending the Israel-Palestine conflict. I know you think that your status as a published author in the university’s journal will have the UN hunting you down, but sadly, a higher degree doesn’t guarantee a job. See below:

Why Attending Law School Is The Worst Career Decision You’ll Ever Make

8 months out, no job… I guess my Ivy League Master’s Degree was a waste of money

So, I know you love talking down to me about how your schedule is just ridiculously busy and how I can’t understand what you’re going through because I ONLY work 40 hours a week, but don’t try to get me to feel sorry for you. We both had options after graduation. I (unintentionally) chose to get a job where I do nothing and get paid too much money. You chose to have a negative bank account and read lots of books with boring covers. Let’s just agree that our lives went in different directions, but neither is easier, better, or more beneficial to the starving people in Africa.

4. People who work in Nonprofits- So you went from being a martyr in grad school to a martyr in a nonprofit. And you don’t understand why you’re only making $30,000 a year when that’s how much you took out annually for tuition alone in grad school. I’m sure you are benefiting homeless youth with diabetes or seeing eye dogs for seeing eye dogs. But if you want to be able to afford expensive fair trade coffee made my Rwandan orphans or wear a designer gown to your charity organization’s annual gala, you should have thought a little more about your salary requirements when you were applying for jobs.

5. People who aren’t in relationships but want to be- Don’t get me wrong, I’m as untouched as a toilet seat with pee on it, but we have to use our singleness as an asset and not mope around. While couples are wasting all of their money on fancy anniversary dinners and birth control, we can eat our storebrand mac and cheese directly from the pot with a wooden spoon and have no one judge us. We don’t have to worry about anyone awkwardly breathing in our ear while snuggling after sex or holding anyone’s clammy hand during a movie. So, let’s not bore our single friends with stories about how we can’t get a date and how we know at age 24 that we are going to be alone forever. One, you’re preaching to the choir, and two, desperation leads to cat ladies.

6. Unpaid Interns- Landing an internship while still in school can be a really big accomplishment. The process is often competitive so congrats on being chosen. However, once you start interning, you have to realize that you’re at the bottom of the totem pole. Even the janitor gets paid more than you. I know that live tweeting what everyone eats for lunch and sorting the mail is super stressful, but no one else really wants to hear about it. Go write your independent research paper that no one is ever going to read or ask some more Capitol Hill staffers for their email addresses.

7. Introverts- If you think that being an introvert means non-stop social media posting about how you’re an introvert, I’m no behavioral psychologist, but I can spew out a few fancy words about you and none of them will be “introvert”.

8. Stereotypical Sorority Girls- You have Beta Bro Brunch, Theta Theatrics, and an Intro to Communications pop quiz all in one week? How are you going to survive?! No one has ever taken on so much responsibility as you. I mean, you’re stunting coordinator for the chapter’s dance at Homecoming where you’ll get imaginary points that will go toward winning an imaginary prize AND you had to walk a dog for 35 minutes to get community services hours. These skills are going to get you places someday. (Not really)

In conclusion, it’s ok to vent about your life’s obstacles, but most of the time you have no one to blame but yourself. Stop complaining and stop inviting me to your pity party. Invite me to a real social event…please.