When I moved to Washington in February, I signed a lease for six months. I thought a year was a little too much commitment for me. What if I didn’t like the neighborhood, my roommates, my room, etc? My lease ends this month. I had been looking at new places to live all summer but nothing matched my price range and aesthetic. I kept telling myself that I have plenty of time. Yada yada. After returning from my trip to Peru, I realized that shit had just gotten real. So, like any young professional in DC with a good head on my shoulders, I began scrolling the wonderful pages of Craigslist and emailing a thousand real people and a thousand scam artists.
When you email someone from CL, you accept that you are going to have to interact with some strange (and by strange I mean ridiculously ratchet) people that are so confused, I don’t even understand how they exist. I just wanted to highlight a couple very real examples of these cray crays that I have encountered in the past week:
1. Scavenger hunt lady
I considered living by myself for a hot minute. I lived in a studio in Armenia and I absolutely hated it but it’s difficult for me to tell where my hatred toward the country ends and my hatred toward the apartment begins. I told myself, maybe it’ll work out this time. I can afford to pay a little more than I’m currently paying. I can get a cat or fifteen to share my love with. I can watch porn without headphones. It’s a win-win situation. Yeah, that didn’t work out. But, I did try to look at this one bedroom apartment until I was thrown off by this very specific list of tasks to complete before actually seeing the place.
I sent my standard cut and paste email to this lady to say that I’m interested and can I look at the place. Here’s her response:
I am having a viewing tomorrow, Tuesday, at 6pm. Can you make this? I probably won’t be having another viewing for at least another week after tomorrow. Let me know if you can make tomorrow.
If you plan on coming in, please reconfirm by sending me a text at 202-xxx-xxxx tomorrow after 3pm but before 4pm. I will assume you are not coming if I do not hear back between those times. The address is xxxx xth Street, NW, Apt. xxx. When you get there, call 202-xxx-xxxx and ask for Mac– he will open the door. He will not know anything about the rental details so just save your questions and ask me afterwards
Dear Yvonne, would you like fries with that very complicated order?! Do I have to say “open sesame” too? Shit, man. I don’t get paid enough for this. I’m sure there is some logic (even a little bit) hidden in that nonsense but I had enough. Needless to say, Yvonne and I never met up. I couldn’t find Mac.
2. Nudist Sluts
I saw this other ad on CL where two gay guys are looking for a roommate. Although it’s refreshing to see people openly display their sexuality here, I haven’t had the best luck with gay roomies (my next blog will be titled “The Princess Diaries” and will be about living with a cast member of the new TV show called “The Real Twinks of Homo County”). Once again, I thought, maybe this will work out. I’ll have a couple cool roomies that can welcome me into the very beautiful, very judgmental DC gay community. I could smell that something was mildly fishy from this paragraph in their CL ad:
“We also like the freedom of being naked at home (especially in the summer) and would ideally find someone who is also comfortable hanging out nude in their own home and is open with their sexuality. It’s weird to some, but just makes sense to be able to be comfortable at home. (We also have the occasional naked cocktail party and always make our way to the hot tub naked).”
Yeah, now I realize that should have been a big rainbow flag. But maybe I’m ok being nude around the house? I guess I’ve never tried it. But their response to my initial email gave me the 411 real quick.
“Thanks for the email Peter!
I imagine given the ad that you are comfortable with nudity and being naked? I love going to nude beaches, resorts, nude boating, hot tubbing, cocktail parties, ect…. We have found that in order to be fully comfortable naked around the house, it has to be a shared experience that everyone is comfortable with and partakes in. In addition to the nudity, we are very sexual and open with it. We play anytime, anywhere, and enjoy having roommates at least comfortable with mutual masturbation.
Please let me know your thoughts and comfort level with the above. It really is an amazing house in an awesome location. Attached is a pic so you know that I’m not some crazy troll. lol”
What the fuck is nude boating?! Like, I understand what it implies but who does that and where? And as much as I could use a good massage (if you get my drift), I feel like they would exhaust me sexually and that I would lock myself in my room all the time to avoid everyone seeing my ass pimples and random arm hairs.
I forwarded their email to my current roommate Chi-Chi and this is her flawless response:
“I told you they were a mini-nudist colony.
And they said at the bare minimum you have to be comfortable with mutual masturbation. That is the minimum. Like you can’t just be the one roommate shuffling around minding his business and you can’t just watch, you must actively partake in the activities.
This is not even a nudist colony, it’s a live in bathouse.
And then he had the nerve to send a picture.
Do you think their couches and chairs have plastic slipcovers?
Or do they just sit on them in their bare asses?
And they have a cat.
Does the cat just watch while all this is going on?
Does the cat sit in their lap while they are nude?
Is the cat comfortable?”
That’s the million dollar question: Is the cat comfortable?